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A Sail of Two Titties: Director's Cut Remix

from A Sail of Two Titties by Captains of the Head

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lyrics

Seven o’clock in the evening
And the stormy sea it shakes me
I’m slippin and fallin
On the deck as we sail the sea
And a voice yells “We’re fucked, me lads” from the crow’s nest
Then a midget climbs down and says to me
“A lightning strike has hit the mast”
Now I've got this dumb look on my face
Like what can I do?
How could I been so stupid to sail in this awful storm?
I didn’t watch the sky
I was drinking too much wine
Now sails began to glow
And our mast next go
Here I am quickly trying to put out these flames
Searching for a bucket
To try to stop the blaze
But there was no fighting it
The sails were burned away
I Looked around at the crew
I Said “we are fucked either way”
Said “how the fuck we gonna get home?”
They said “what’s that down there?”
“Sailor’s now pay attention”
But they’d spied a mermaid with a big brassiere
“What. the. fuck?
Hurry up and get my scope”
I said “maybe that busty mermaid
Can lift up our hopes.”
I said “Mermaid, do you have a name?”
“She said, everybody calls me Victoria
I think I can help you by loaning you my corset
For this bustier should catch the wind and get you out of this jam
Run it up the rig and before long you will sail again
The she reached out and tossed the bra
A Lane Bryant or a Maidenform
One thing is for certain
This mermaid had some big jibbooms
I tied it to a rope
And soon it was discovered
That left cup of the bra was larger than the other
Ran it up the mizzenmast
And tied the ropes off
Looked to the foremast like, what the fuck is going on
I could hardly believe it
But the ship was sailing on
Next thing you know, our clipper ship began it’s journey home
I tried my best not to prematurely celebrate
But those big ol tittles pert near made me ejauclate
I jumped up and said “Victoria thanks for the bra
This will be our little secret”
And she’s like “That’s cool, just please be sure to return it”
We sailed for days and days
Until we reached our port
I said “Lads, I figgered us for dead”
The said “fuck yeah, that’s for sure”
The people onshore kept staring
At our incredible sails
These great big bazooms
That were catching a gale
We passed the no wake zone
Then into the Harbor
We delivered our cargo
Just under the wire
With a sail of two titties
With a sail of two titties
It’s the sail of two titties
Damn, a sail of two titties

credits

from A Sail of Two Titties, released November 6, 2020

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Captains Of The Head Detroit, Michigan

Captains of the Head hail from Detroit. They sing rough songs about rough men, rough seas, and loose women. In the maritime folk tradition, they pay tribute to other x-rated singers such as Salty Dick, Oscar Brand, and John Valby. They are on a voyage to keep the sea shanty tradition alive, leaving no cunt unturned. ... more

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