Get all 5 Captains Of The Head releases available on Bandcamp and save 25%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of New Directions, War On Christmas, A Sail of Two Titties, Sea Words (Live at the Salty Dog), and The Ballad of the Captains of the Head.
1. |
A Sail of Two Titties
02:53
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On a dark stormy night
We ploughed the salt sea
Our good ship was rocked
And struck by lightning
The fiery bolt
Destroyed our mainmast
And burned up our sails
Right down to the last
When morning came
All hope had taken flight
Feared we'd be dead
Under a fortnight
Adrift at sea
With no way to catch wind
And now you see
Our story begins
A ship without sails ain't no ship all
When we called out for help, no one heard our call
Til a mermaid named Victoria came a-swimmin’ near
And that big, busty mermaid wore a big old brassiere
The brassiere was giant
As a brassiere could be
Do they have a Lane Bryant
Down under the sea?
She unclasped her band
To reveal her maiden form
With bosoms so grand
I’d forgotten the storm
She pledged her support
And tossed me the bra
Victoria's Secret!
What is it for?
She said “sport up the rig
And hoist it to the sky
At the first gust of wind
You'll surely know why
“It's a Sail of Two titties to carry you ashore
One cup at the aft, one at the fore”
We’d almost lost hope that we’d ever see land
But the Sail of Two titties lifted our hopes again
We worked in the rigging
And it took us all night.
For the left sail was bigger
Than the one on the right
We were glad to toil
And not be cast away
Oh that sea cow had saved us
With her huge bustier
We pushed up the jib
And began to sail on
Then we strapped in the main
To race’er back home
Our spirits’d sagged
So we raised our cups higher
Our cargo was delivered
Just under the wire
The people on shore disbelieved what they saw
An old clipper ship with the sails made of bra
Saved by a mermaid with a bountiful rack
And her Sail of Two titties that carried us back
We’d almost lost hope that we’d ever see land
But the Sail of Two titties lifted our hopes again
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2. |
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We were riding the waves of stardom on high
when it all came crashing down
We’d sailed round the world
By the power of tits
Like rapists of renown
It did haunt us each day
For we could not repay our debt with gold doubloons
We had to return that mermaid’s brassiere
To hold her big jibbooms
As sailors, we all knew wrong from right
We owed her support and we owed her our lives
So we pushed up the sails and set to the west
So we could lift this weight off of our chests
On a dark stormy night, the look-out did spy
The mermaid swimming round
But she didn’t float as good as she should
And we thought that she could drown
She couldn’t go under for very long
Her lungs couldn’t hold much breath
And when she finally beached on shore
We saw her deflated breasts
The captain couldn’t believe what we’d done
Without bra support, her bags lost their fun
This mermaid once had a bountiful rack
But the sail of two titties had rendered it flat
The captain then cried out to the crew
“Is there a doctor on this ship?
That once busty mermaid who’d saved our ass
Now needs us to save her tits.”
I then came forth with an idea so crazy it might work
I’d implant her titties with jellyfish
To make those floppers perk
The surgery it went on through the night
I put one in the left and two on the right
Then I strapped on the bra and hooked it in front
And the sail of two titties had restored her bust
We’d almost lost hope for her mammary glands, but the sail of two titties lifted our hopes again
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3. |
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We all stood around a’patting our backs for a job done well
We’d pumped up those titties with jellyfish, then the tits began to swell
Now things took a turn for the worst from a problem unforeseen
Those fish we put inside’a her juggs, they all began to sting
As the mermaid flopped around in pain
Our lifted spirits could not be maintained
We’d failed in our quest to repay our debt
For the jellyfish tentacles poisoned her breasts
There seemed but one answer for what to do to stop the painful throb
But it seemed such a shame to remove the implants and ruin her boob job
We plied her with booze, nearly drowned ‘er with wine, fed her drugs right up to ‘er gills
But nothing could combat the terrible sting that came from those tendrils
The Captain cried at the break of daylight
For he lost all hope for her pitiful plight
Is there no one aboard who can offer her help?
Fuck, We’ve should have just filled her tits up with kelp
Three men then came forward with little delay to take her pain and wash it away
Three well-hung heroes, from the restroom they came, Captains of the Head was their name
They said “we know how to remove the sting, for we’ve been drinking all night and we got just the thing
We’ll unzip our pants to save her fake tits, pull out our 3 cocks and cover ‘em with piss”
The Captain’s then answered to nature's call
Golden rain soaked her bra from 3 dicks & 6 balls
They shower’d her boobs & extinguished her pain
All it took was a leak from their lengthy main veins
The mermaid was then returned to the sea
For the Captains of the head had saved her with pee
Fare thee well Victoria with bosoms so grand
Now the sail of two titties has come to an end.
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4. |
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Seven o’clock in the evening
And the stormy sea it shakes me
I’m slippin and fallin
On the deck as we sail the sea
And a voice yells “We’re fucked, me lads” from the crow’s nest
Then a midget climbs down and says to me
“A lightning strike has hit the mast”
Now I've got this dumb look on my face
Like what can I do?
How could I been so stupid to sail in this awful storm?
I didn’t watch the sky
I was drinking too much wine
Now sails began to glow
And our mast next go
Here I am quickly trying to put out these flames
Searching for a bucket
To try to stop the blaze
But there was no fighting it
The sails were burned away
I Looked around at the crew
I Said “we are fucked either way”
Said “how the fuck we gonna get home?”
They said “what’s that down there?”
“Sailor’s now pay attention”
But they’d spied a mermaid with a big brassiere
“What. the. fuck?
Hurry up and get my scope”
I said “maybe that busty mermaid
Can lift up our hopes.”
I said “Mermaid, do you have a name?”
“She said, everybody calls me Victoria
I think I can help you by loaning you my corset
For this bustier should catch the wind and get you out of this jam
Run it up the rig and before long you will sail again
The she reached out and tossed the bra
A Lane Bryant or a Maidenform
One thing is for certain
This mermaid had some big jibbooms
I tied it to a rope
And soon it was discovered
That left cup of the bra was larger than the other
Ran it up the mizzenmast
And tied the ropes off
Looked to the foremast like, what the fuck is going on
I could hardly believe it
But the ship was sailing on
Next thing you know, our clipper ship began it’s journey home
I tried my best not to prematurely celebrate
But those big ol tittles pert near made me ejauclate
I jumped up and said “Victoria thanks for the bra
This will be our little secret”
And she’s like “That’s cool, just please be sure to return it”
We sailed for days and days
Until we reached our port
I said “Lads, I figgered us for dead”
The said “fuck yeah, that’s for sure”
The people onshore kept staring
At our incredible sails
These great big bazooms
That were catching a gale
We passed the no wake zone
Then into the Harbor
We delivered our cargo
Just under the wire
With a sail of two titties
With a sail of two titties
It’s the sail of two titties
Damn, a sail of two titties
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5. |
Castaway At Home
02:47
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Captains Of The Head Detroit, Michigan
Captains of the Head hail from Detroit. They sing rough songs about rough men, rough seas, and loose women. In the maritime folk tradition, they pay tribute to other x-rated singers such as Salty Dick, Oscar Brand, and John Valby. They are on a voyage to keep the sea shanty tradition alive, leaving no cunt unturned. ... more
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